Adventure with a slug.

I found a big long slug on the bathroom floor yesterday, or more honestly, the missus found a big long slug on the tiles yesterday and I was called in for a consultation on its immediate future. Now it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that I’m going all soft and hippie, there was an incident a couple of weeks ago with a woodlouse that would seem to indicate a shift towards the harmless lefty Buddhist tradition, but I found the usual “jesus fucking christ  get that fucking thing away from me and call ghostbusters” reaction curiously absent. Pretty much everybody finds slugs and snails sort of disgusting but to be honest this little feller was pretty cool. I picked him up and put him on the palm of my hand for transportation to a nice bit of shrubbery in the garden, and while in transit he had a bit of an auld wander about. He was, and probably still is, about four inches long and an earthy red colour with darker markings on his back very like the m-shaped lines on a tabbys head. I don’t know how he felt about the whole experience because it’s really hard to read a slugs facial expression as his face consists entirely of four stalky things that wave about slowly  while extending and contracting. But if I had to guess, I’d say he was more curious than alarmed and affected an air of bemused fatalism.
Everybody thinks slugs are slimy and this is a big part of the reason they inspire such powerful feelings of gickiness, and for a change the masses are bang on target. The slick little guy left a trail of mollusc snot in his wake that beggars belief. How can a creature loose so much moisture with every step and not immediately die of dehydration? Taint natural I tells ya. In all fairness though, slugs and snails are vegetarian, they don’t sting or bite, they don’t eat carrion or shite, they don’t spread disease. They also don’t scuttle, hide under rocks or act in a subversive or untrustworthy manner. They are very alien looking granted, but in a graceful regal manner, if I was making a sci-fi movie and I modelled an alien race on slugs, then they’d definitely be good guys. I don’t know what horror I’d model the bad guys on, commercial radio DJs maybe? This experience in no way made me think of snails as a viable food source mind, so it is still ok to look down on Frenchmen for eating them. And you French-Canadians too, don’t think you’re getting away with it either. Weirdos.

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